The end of 2010...

So with Fall semester done and over, here I am once again in Texas! I had to return here primarily for my candidacy retreat to get my final approval for my Internship next year - which of course, I did receive! So on March 9, 2011 (Ash Wednesday), I will find out where I will be going next year and when I will start my internship next year. I am excited and nervous all at the same time, but I do have on more semester to get through before all that starts!

As I mentioned in the last posting, this semester has been rough in more ways than I care to say on here. Mostly emotional stuff....I think I finally realized that CPE stuff really did "a number" on my emotions and opened up a whole lot more than I wanted. I am learning to adjust and cope with some help, so I will survive it all.

Temperature has been the most significant difference here in Texas since I've been home. It's been nice to NOT have to wear 3 layers of clothes everyday (and STILL be cold!). It's also been nice spending time with a few friends. I have also been working during my Christmas break. I contacted my former employer, FSG, and they are paying me to work this week and next...money needed for my J-Term and next semester expenses....although I would much rather be relaxing and taking it easy for a while. But I do get 2- 3 day weekends off because of the holidays, so I guess I can't complain too much! Because I've been working in Ft. Worth, it just didn't make sense for me to commute everyday an hour to work, so I've stayed this week a few days with Roxanne and a few days with Argelia. I'll be back to Plano this weekend with Julie, Darrell and the kids - but I have to be honest- I'm growing quite tired of lugging my stuff all over the place so next week I am staying put!

I'll be doing my J-Term this year with my friend Jill in Brenham, TX (YES, where Blue Bell ice cream is made!). I wrote a proposal to work in Rural Ministry down there. It didn't get approved for me to receive credit for my Rural Ministry requirement, but I am getting J-Term credit = having to read a book, keep a journal and write a final paper. I'll be working in 3 congregations down there looking at various challenges at each church and also meeting with several agencies that work with the churches in their various ministries. So I am pretty excited about all that.

I almost couldn't register for Spring semester due to my financial situation, but luckily, a few friends pulled some funds together and made another semester possible. I try not to worry about where money will come from in school, but its tough when things get tight. I asked a few people for help (who in the past have said, if I ever needed anything to ask, so I did) and I was overwhelmed with the response I got. I suppose I need to trust God more and remember that my calling is ALL about God and not me. So if it is the will of God, all will be provided.

This past weekend, I had a visitor who came to see me here in Dallas. It was my father. We hadn't spoken in person to each other in over 3 years. It was a healthy talk. It was something we should have done years ago, but I hope now to be able to heal more to be the Pastor that God wants me to be. It was possibly the most difficult thing I have ever done, something that I haven't stopped thinking about yet - but its a good thing.

So with Christmas just a few days away, I have been thinking about all I have accomplished this year and all I will accomplish by this time next year. It's just so exciting to finally feel like the next chapter of my life is so full of expectant hope and waiting, much like this season of Advent. To all reading: May the light of the Christ Child shine bright in your hearts this Christmas and always. Peace and blessings to all.

In the home stretch.....

What a blessing Thanksgiving was and not to mention MUCH needed! This semester has been a little rough on me so it was just nice to get away. There is just something about holding and feeding a newborn baby that just tugs at your heart strings so matter how old u get! For me, it was just what the doctor ordered. There was one day when Alexis was laying on a blanket on the floor and I laid next to her just staring at her for at least an hour. Looking at the details of her face, the tiny hairs on her ears and the curvature of her little face. It was like witnessing God's miracle of life just then and there in that moment. (Julie of course caught me and had to take some pictures!) She is a truly a beautiful baby!

I LOVE not limping around when I walk because of my new knee, but MAN what a HASSLE when i have to fly, because I will now ALWAYS set off all their alarms thanks to the metal components in my knee now. Then of course, even though I TELL them it will go off, having to go through all the excessive screening! Especially NOW with all the NEW GROPING the TSA agents do! I almost missed my flight coming back today because DFW wouldn't let me take my small little toiletry bag on the plane. I ended up transferring a whole lot of stuff and leaving my little bag to the terminal with security! I asked Roxanne to see if she could get it for me and she agreed, so perhaps I will see it again.

Julie and Darrell are now in their new home and I love it. It is so much more spacious than their previous home. The kids have a play room. There is a separate area of the house where the cat cannot go and a much roomier guest room - my favorite feature. 3 full baths, so the guest even has their own bathroom- also something I liked and their neighborhood is awesome, with a park just a 5 minute walk from their home, which Chloe loves.

On the bad news side, my grandmother Anna, had multiple mini strokes this week and has been hospitalized. She is 96 years old, and has a long history of heart issues, but it has been a long week for my family. I was feeling a little guilty about not being home, but then I remembered how much time I spent with her when I was home this past Summer and saying my last goodbyes, since it looks like I won't be home again to NC until the end of the school year. Quite frankly, that is how I want to remember her if she were to pass. I sincerely hope she doesn't pass just yet, but I know she has lived a good long life. Monday she will go into a skilled nursing facility for a while. I just hope my mom will get some reprieve now; she's been running herself ragged for a while.

So...6 more ASSIGNMENTS and the semester is over. I can't wait! As I said before, been a long semester and I can't wait to be back in Texas. I actually HAVE to go back for my Candidacy Retreat. I didn't go last year because of my knee surgery, but this year, I will be meeting with the Bishop just to chit chat with him before I go on Internship next year. I'll be finding out where I am going on March 9th- Ash Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it, but a little nervous too of course!

My J-Term project has been approved, so I will be working with Pastor Jill (my former Associate Pastor) and 2 other Pastors for 3 weeks in January in Rural ministry. I'm looking forward to it, but first have to get past this semester!

Many blessings to all reading. Peace, love, happiness and laughter!

I think I see a light at the end of my tunnel.....

Yup. I can't believe it. Celebrated by 40th birthday, celebrated 40 years of being baptized, was in my first photo shoot ever PLUS I hope to be officially endorsed or at least recommended for endorsement by this Friday!

It has been a LOOOONNNGGGG semester, but we are finally in the home stretch! I still can't believe it. I've finally after weeks and weeks of struggling finally getting in the groove of things! Yeah...I've been a bit slow this semester. Not sure why. I think I have spent more time trying to stay organized than I have in getting stuff done! But this semester has proved to be quite another "shift" for me spiritually. I think it's a combination of all the classes. Everything I believe is being constantly challenged and countered by the deepest parts of Lutheran Theology and I love it! Several of my classes seem to overlap each other this semester, which is proving quite helpful in aiding my understanding of certain things...so that's a good thing.

So I am writing my own J-Term proposal for 2011. It will hopefully count as my J-Term requirement and my Rural Ministry requirement, then all I'll have left t do is a cross cultural requirement which I will do my Senior year. Man, that sounds so far off, but will be here before I can blink! My J-Term, if approved, I'd be doing working with Jill, my former Associate Pastor in Brehnham, TX area. They have several rural congregations down there and I hope to be working in 3. I figure this is gonna give me a little head start in my internship. I figure with me being single, no kids, no home....I will probably be in the most rural location they can stick me in! I just feel that coming. I requested Southeast, but we'll see how that flies!

No relationship stuff anywhere on the radar for now. Not for lack of trying, just no takers as of yet. I think I may be trying too hard, so I've decided to just let it be for now. God knows what he's doing and the way my schedule is looking these days, its probably best don't add something or someone else to it! It's been a little tough with me turning 40 and the constant wondering if someone is truly out there for me. It was pretty lonely not having those I love the most not here to share my birthday but I know its all temporary.

Been doing a lot of pulpit supply. I'm booked for the rest of this month and probably in December too. I've been preaching at 2 different congregations. One in Monroe, WI and the other in Waterloo, IA. Both are small congregations who can't afford Pastors, but I guess like the way I preach cause they keep inviting me back! It's been good practice for me too...not to mention the extra cash has been a HUGE help! Especially with more medical issues rising...more on that later.

I'm going back to Dallas for Thanksgiving. Darrell & Julie had already bought me a ticket for Christmas break, but with the change in my J-Term, it made more sense for me to have my car for Christmas break. So I switched my ticket for Thanksgiving (after paying a fee of course!) and now I'll be there when Lexi is born! I think they could REALLY use some help with the new baby coming. I hadn't originally planned on being there, but I could just hear in Julie's voice when I told her I was coming, how relieved she felt. That made me even more sure that it was the right thing to do. I did have to juggle around my school schedule and make some request to several professors. Overall, they are all OK with it, so I'm just trying to stay ahead and get about 4 projects/papers done before I leave. As far as not seeing my family...well, it won't be the first time I hadn't been home for Thanksgiving. Besides, depending when and where my Internship site is, I'm likely to go visit after classes in the Spring. We'll see. Once again it's past my bedtime, but I felt I needed to blog since I hadn't in a while.

Blessings and Peace to all reading....

Then the first day of classes came....

Ahhhh, the weather has been so beautiful here in Iowa! I had honestly forgotten how nice this time of year can be. I'm SURE I won't be saying that in just a few more months.

So I made it through prologue week....viewing movies about the story of David and Bethsheba. We compared the movies and study about biblical interpretation. We even looked at Veggies Tales which was very disturbing to me. I thought this whole time that Veggie Tales was a GOOD thing for religion, but as it turns out, it is, as my friend Abagail said, "biblical smut", THUS making my job a lot harder! It was a interesting week, paper and all.

We had a meeting this past week about the process I will be going through next, INTERNSHIP. God willing, my interview will be late October/early November and I will be endorsed, which means I have been granted permission to go on internship all next school year. Since I'm single, no kids, no home, etc...I pretty much have no say so as to where I will end up. After spending some time at home with my mother I had debated restricting to the East coast to be closer to help her, but decided after the meeting, that would hurt my chances of getting in the best place for me. So I'm leaving it open, making no restrictions. I won't find out where I'm going until Mid-March, so I better start praying now. Besides....I still have a 6 page application to complete before then and LOTS of Hebrew this semester.

My class load this semester isn't too bad, either that or my mind seem to be in a better place. I am enjoying all of it so far, but then again, it IS only the first week! I dunno I can't explain it. Maybe it just all the CPE and KNOWING exactly how I feel about everything, I just feel like I'm in some sort of "sponge" phase and I love it!

Going home was pretty cool. Seeing my family differently was not. I think I just studied too much about family dynamics this summer that I was just looking at my family differently. I WISH I could say that it was all good, but it disturbed me. Spending time with my mother was nice, but she really does need more support from me, emotionally and physically. It made me feel quite helpless. I thought maybe I had over exaggerated most of it until my baby sister went and seemed to have the same observations. All I can do is pray about it for now.

School has started, I have a new part time job as a part time handbell director at a local church, first payday FINALLY this week (I haven't been paid since May...so it's been a LONG summer!), all in all not too bad. I went to Des Moines, IA yesterday for a grant interview with some other students. I think I'll be offered something, so I'm feeling quite optimistic.

I am missing my best friend and her (my) family terribly. She and her family have been busy getting ready for a move and I think moved a bunch of stuff over to their new home today. She was pretty bad before about not texting or calling me, but with all this, has gotten worse. It's been tough, but I am managing OK all things considered.

I am turning 40 next month....yeah, I said it, 40. That has me getting a little down every once in a while. I had just had better plans for my personal life at this point. It's not that I'm lonely I just miss companionship, someone to share things with. I guess for a while my friends provided that when I was at home this past summer, before that, last semester, was my ex....but now with 40 around the corner, I seem to be thinking about it more. I dunno, maybe I need to take a break. Maybe I need to try a new different dating web site. For now, I'll just settle for some prayer and blogging!
May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding be with all you readers. Peace!

Swimming, eating ice cream, writing my endorsement paper...one of those things don't belong!

Ahhhhh.....CPE is now over. I wish I could say that I was relieved. Well, I am sort of. It has been a long exhausting summer, that was a roller coaster of emotion, but I learned so much about myself and I have developed the skills to provide pastoral care. (About the only person who would NOT agree would be my ex-boyfriend!). I truly have a new respect for my denomination for making this a requirement for internship. I can see its value and feel like I am a stronger better person from it. So I have had a few people ask me to share a few stories from this summer so below are 2 of my favorite: Enjoy!

This mother of a 7 month old boy came in with random seizures. The mother has continued to be very emotional and frustrated that her son is not getting better but seems to be worsening. After several test have been run and medication has been administered, the young patient’s seizures seem to be getting longer. The mother was very distraught and saying her prayer has been, “that God take his illness and give it to her”. While I understood her frustration and allowed her to share other concerns, I encouraged her to rather pray for patience and peace in her heart and mind. I further encouraged her to “not pray that she be inflicted with sickness to save her son”. I shared with her and reminded her that she does have other children and a husband that need her too. I was honest in telling her that I was unsure whether her son would get better, but rather assured her that God will be with him through his sickness. I made no promises of his recovery, which was difficult, but truthful. Too often, I have heard parents saying, “Oh, my child, will be OK”! I have deliberately avoided saying this, but rather comfort them in assuring them that God is present and will provide what is needed according to his will. While I do not always verbalize that fact to a patient that is distraught, I do feel I try to convey a message of presence and peace that God can provide when people draw near to him.

My second story is my favorite:

I remember one day doing rounds on B6 and I went to the nurses station to check in and asked the nurse there, who later told me she was a technician, was there anyone I should specifically speak to or should see. Her response was, “No, not that I know of, but if you ask me, the young lady in B6206 needs Jesus and doesn’t know it”. I asked her why she thought that and she said I should review her chart before I entered and I did. I read that this young mother, 17 years old, comes from a highly aggressive mother and has HIV and now her new born son also has it and the father is no where in the picture. Her son had been hospitalized for pneumonia. So I gowned up and walked in as she was rocking her new 3 month old baby boy. I introduced myself as the Chaplain and said “I just wanted to come by to see how you and your son were doing”. Her response, “I don’t need no chaplain”. I said “ok, but I actually came by to speak to your son, may I do that”? She looked at me awkwardly and reluctantly said, “I guess” and turned the boy around so I could see him. I began to speak to the little boy, telling him how I hoped he’d get better soon and that God loved him and that I would pray for him. As I finished I started to walk out, smiling at the mother who now looked shocked. As I opened the door, she said, “Wait. Why did you do that?”. I said, “because he’s someone in pain and that’s what I do. I come by and help people or talk to people in pain”. She said, “sorry about what I said before”. I smiled and said it’s alright”. The next thing I know, this girl is sharing her story. This girl simply needed to be heard and I listened without passing judgment or taking offense to what she had said as I entered. In the end, I felt I may have made a small difference in her life all because I was able to see past her own fears and anxieties to help her with her own.

These are just a few stories. I had lots of them. Some days a lot. Having read these I hope you are able to see how this experience may have been just a little emotional for me. But what this experience did do was help me to put down some walls and barriers that I have held up for a long time. I feel empowered, cleansed and renewed by this experience. One I will remember for the rest of my life. OK....so enough about all that.

I have done 5 funeral this summer, 2 yesterday! I know I am in an aging congregation, but it getting a little depressing. Every time I come home, seeing another member getting sicker and sicker, older and older. I do pray for new growth for my church. I think it would change a lot of things.

So my best friend, Julie is moving finally! They close on their house at the end of this month...God willing. So I've been doing a lot of babysitting this week, so Darrell and Julie can pack! Their house is slowly getting there, but they still have a LONG way to go. I at least had a chance to see their new home in Plano, TX. It's a 4 bedroom one story home. I'll be staying there in December when I come home for their 2nd child's baptism, Alexis. Julie and I just finished a project for both the girls. We made them both a shadow boxes with different themes. They came out so good. Better than I thought it would. Julie and I fuss a lot at each other when we do projects, but the end result is always beautiful!

I wish I could say that I have spent a lot of time with other people, but truly I haven't. My tight schedule with CPE kept me pretty busy at the hospital. So the last few weeks, I would leave a little early just to go by and see Chloe and Julie on my way home. I regret I haven't had more time! There is still some people I really wanted to see, but will probably not.

School is coming up fast...and what am I most excited about? GETTING A KINDLE. Someone bought one for me and I can get about half my textbooks on it, so it seemed like a good purchase to save me LOTS of money on books for school. I have been working on my Hebrew Alphabet little by little. I think I've got most of it down. I think I'm ready to be back in school for Fall. I've missed my colleagues and am ready to have my endorsement interview. Spring semester will be when I find out where I am going - assuming I get approval. My endorsement paper has been going good. I'm up to 8 out of 10 pages, so I know I'll get it done in time.

I leave for NC this Saturday for 5 days. Its the first time in a LONG time that I am really looking forward to being home. It just seems my family has been going through a lot of changes, as a result of my personal changes. I read about this phenomenon in a book I read this summer called Generation to Generation, where I was studying about family dynamics. When someone in a major role in a family shifts, it causes the entire, "homostatis" to shift too. In other words, are my family changes a result of all the changes I have gone through? Who knows....I like to think it is God at work.

Finally, last but not least....yes, single again. I can honestly say, I'm OK with the break up. That's not to say that I am not angry or hurt because I am. I am still going through some emotions about it, but not an overwhelming sadness....seems kinda odd to me that I'm not all weepy about it. I think largely because of how it all happened. Maybe it won't really hit me till I get back to school, but by then, I'll be back in my "school zone"....easy to stay busy. I truly believe I am meant to be with someone....but finding the right one continues to be a challenge for me. Maybe I need take a break, maybe I need to stop looking, maybe, maybe, maybe.....ugghh. All I know is that it sucks to be single at 40, which is coming up soon! I'm truly not THAT worried. I know someone is out there, but God is still working on him...making him just right for me. In the meantime, I'll keep blogging, keep my dear friends and family close and treasure every moment of my life. I laid in Margaret's pool today floating and counting my blessings. I have so many things to be Thankful for. I love myself, my life and my God. Sure someone to share my life with would be a blessing, but maybe I just need to be more patient. God has provided everything else in my life, I need to have a little more faith.

Peace and blessings to all reading... <><

Ah the last week of CPE and then...

I have been through a whirlwind of emotions this summer. I've enjoyed spending time with my friends and my church family, but it has come with a price. Gary and I are over. Can't say that I am surprised, as I have a knack for running men off! Or in this case...he decided to run from me. Not much I can do there. I had sensed his discontent with me after he left here from Texas not knowing why. I had shared some information about my past that he had a problem with and that's his prerogative. (However, to my defense, a person who claimed to have loved me, would accept my past and love who I am now). I now question how he truly cared for me this whole time, as I feel, he has in essence been lying to me since he left, by not being honest about the way he felt.....but I will not sit here and play the "what if" game or bash his name on the internet over something I cannot change. I am better than that. The pure fact: Gary and I are not more. Especially since I know his family reads all that I write...or at least used to. As saddened as it is for me, because I do not say, "I Love You" to just any man, as I am entering a pretty important part of my life right now, I will survive and move on. I have to. I only hope that in our short time together, that he will someday look back at it and smile.
More about my last week of CPE and my visit home to see my family soon to come.

Heartbroken again....

So over half way through....I'm ready to go back to school (I think!?)

WOW...been a while since I last gave an update. Quite honestly, most of the people that read this thing are here in Texas sooo....because I've been seeing most of them this summer, been slow on the updating of my blog. So sorry to those who don't live in Texas! (Although you should be glad, as it has been one HHHHOOOTTT summer down here!)

So CPE...what shall I say first....It has been the most emotionally draining, physically exhausting, hard warming, stressful yet rewarding thing I have EVER done....and THAT includes my time teaching kids elementary music! OK, ok, maybe it runs a VERY close second! LOL I am now half way through my CPE experience and I continue to learn more about myself everyday; which is what this program is designed to do, on TOP of teaching me Pastoral Care! I luckily have not had to personally handle a death case yet (where someone has died and I have been present) but I have definitely been around it, surrounded by it, worked with families who are going through the grieving process or end of life issues. It has truly made me reevaluate how I view and see my own death and made me really realize how precious life truly is and how quickly we too often take it for granted. Working at a Children's Hospital I KNEW would be extreme;y challenging to me, and everyday I seem to work through one more thing. So that has been my daily mantra to myself as I say my morning prayers, "God, help me see, feel, experience the "One thing" I need to learn today to help me become a better servant for you". So far, that prayer continues to be a blessing for me and so far, I have learned more than I ever thought I would be. But it has also been so TIRING and exhausting for me. I am in bed by 9 every night and chatting with Gary by 8 every night, so I guess he's had to adjust too!

Gary and I are continuing to do well. I guess I can type all this, since the cat is out of the bag, he was here over 4th of July weekend, which was very cool. (His kids didn't know he was here, but I didn't think it was a good idea that he NOT tell them that!....for the record!) It had been over a month since I had seen him last. I suppose I truly didn't realize how much I really missed him until he was here. Yeah, we do chat every night and text a lot through out the day, but I just missed being around him. Missed the little things, like holding his hand, sitting next to him at a movie. He brings me a great sense of comfort that I can't explain. He also got a chance to hear me preach for the first time. That made me VERY nervous, but it made me feel really good for him to say he was proud of me, that he really thought I did well and that I'm going to make a good pastor someday. There was quite a bit of drama that day, as his kids found out he was in Texas and were quite upset! They were even calling me; which is just awkward since I haven't met any of them yet, but that is something I am looking forward to. Gary's kids I think are a great extension of who he is, so for me by meeting his kids, I feel I would get a glimpse of another side of him that I hadn't experienced or seen before....I dunno, I could be over analyzing that one. Either way, it's still something I am looking forward to.
Gary also has a chance while he was here to meet my church family and my very special friends and my best friends and my God Daughter...all of which are extremely important to me. We had a little get together at my friend Rox's house where he met most of my friends, but it had been a long drive for him so he was quite tired at the party. I felt bad afterwards for putting him through all that, but I was still glad he was here to meet some very important people in my life. All in all, he made a great impression on most of my friends. This will probably be the only time he ever comes here, since it is quite possible after this summer, I may not be back to Dallas for a LONG time...although I am coming back for a few days in December for Julie & Darrell's new daughter's baptism; if we can get the dates all worked out.

Speaking of Julie and Darrell (Julie= my best friend)....they are expecting another little girl in November right around Thanksgiving. Her name will be Alexis. It makes me sooo sad that I won't be a part of her life, with me being in seminary. It has been soooo MUCH fun though being here in summer to spend time with Chloe. She is talking so much now, that it is so much fun to play with her! We actually have some fun and cool conversations. Julie and Darrell have done such an amazing job with her. Her vocabulary just astounds me! It also makes me sad how much I will miss when I leave again...but it will be nice to see them all in December, even if it is for just a few days. Julie has been finally getting past a lot of sickness from the first Trimester...Thank the Lord! So it's been fun feeling the baby move around in her belly and using the stethoscope to hear her in there; just like I did with Chloe, just maybe not as frequent. Being around death and watching kids suffering everyday, has made me hug people a little longer, made me hold onto Chloe (and Julie) just a little tighter. Life is just too precious to waste any second. I am soooo Thankful to have Julie who allows me to part of their lives as intimately as they do. It is truly a gift and a blessing. Julie continues to be my emotional support, along with Gary this summer; although I sense Gary struggles sometimes understanding how close and connected I am with Julie....but I think he's doing better with it all.

So I am heading home to visit family in NC after I finish my CPE next month for a few days. I had decided it is really important for me to spend time with my Grandmother (Abuelita) as her health is always a question. But she IS 94 years old! I would just feel awful if I started school this semester and something were to happen and I not had the chance to say my goodbyes. So I fear while I am looking forward to spending time with my mom and siblings that this could be the last time I see my grandmother, and that just makes me sad. But it is far better than not going at all!

Sooo, I think that's about it for now. I'm off to do rounds. I'm at another Children's hospital right down the street from the other one...very different over here, as most patients are on a very strict rigid schedule; makes it challenging to see and speak with patients, but hey....I got to blog! Many blessings, peace, patience, understanding and enlightenment be with all reading today. May God bless you all!

A Week of training, getting lost, feeling lost and the morgue??

With that title description that could only mean one thing....CPE! Clinical Pastoral Education. Yup, I started this week with a little anxiety, some worry and anxiousness only to end up at the morgue twice this week! Seriously, this CPE thing is going to be a little tougher than I thought!
I am doing my CPE at Children's Medical Center in Dallas. Their policy includes, among a bizillion other policies, that all deceased must be escorted to their morgue by a member of the Chaplain staff. This is going to be a little tough for me, as up until this week, I had never been in a morgue before. I was pretty creeped out at first. The second time we went in there, the pathologist who performs the autopsies was there and invited everyone into the room where they do them. I just stood by the wall and waited for my classmates. I guess my comfortableness will come with time.
So lots of training this week and LOTS of walking. I spent 2 days in new employee orientation. Some of the material had nothing to do with my department, but I sat through it all. By Tuesday orientation and power point presentation number #???, I decided to start working on writing my sermon. (I have to preach tomorrow in church). Wednesday and Thursday were days to get to know my classmates and procedure stuff specific for our office. Friday we set our on call schedule for the entire summer. Looks like I'll be staying just 2 nights at the hospital this summer....not too bad. We also broadcast everyday 15 minutes little sermonettes from our chapel. I'll be leading a few of those plus leading chapel at least once this summer. The schedule setting took us a while, but we managed to get through it. Had to go pick up some new tennis shoes today, as my feet and knees have been taking a SERIOUS beating with all the walking involved. I will have my floor assignments on Monday. I have to pick where I'd like to be...leaning towards just general pediatrics, as I thing all the bloody stuff will be in the ICU units and trauma. But something tells me that when I AM on call, all bets are off! I will probably need to get over my queasiness about seeing bloody stuff.
So Gary and I are continuing to chat online every night. It's still difficult not being a little closer to each other, but we have planned to get together soon. I can't wait! I miss him so much. We're continuing to get to know each other every time we talk. I try to mention to him something new that he doesn't know about me and we've just starting using these conversation starter cards. That's been fun! As we share I am reminded how much we have in common and how glad I am that he is a part of my life.
I have to redo one of my final papers from Spring semester. NOT happy about that, but I do have a few more weeks to get it done. That is on my agenda next weekend! I was quite frustrated about having to redo it, but I also just want it done. I know I passed all the rest of my classes this past semester. I'm looking forward to being back at school this Fall. I also have my endorsement paper to write by the end of this summer. My endorsement interview will be in October. This is the interview that is made up of someone from my home Synod, some peers, adviser and professors. They will decide if I am ready to go on internship my third year. Again, something I have to wait for an assignment for next Spring. I'm just hoping to remain fairly close to Gary, but we'll see since I cannot restrict.
Well....lots of drama going on at my church. My friend Keith, who helped form our Praise Team decided to leave...NOT a huge shock, but I hope he is happy. I've been so proud of the youth who have remained part of the band. They have done remarkably and contrary to what Keith believes, the church and the praise band will survive without him.
I am missing seeing my fellow seminarians. They have become such a big part of my life now that its like they are family. I've been following come of their CPE stuff on Facebook...some of it is quite humorous! But I still miss them.
So I think that is all for now. Another CPE update next week...as then I will be on my own..scary thought. God bless to all reading!

On the brink of boredom...must be time for CPE to start!

Well this month has been exciting so far! I've traveled all over the place, seen lots of friends I hadn't seen in a long time, been getting a nice summer tan....YEAH RIGHT???!!! About the only truth to that previous statement was about my tan and that's ONLY because I've been going walking twice a day...GOTTA continue to get exercise, even in this HEAT!!!
I've primarily been walking to MAKE Julie exercise. She'd been complaining about sickness from her pregnancy and always being tired. After spending a DAY chasing after Chloe....I NOW GET THAT! But she does need to exercise for the new baby coming so....I've been making her walk with me. I only intended on making her walk once a day, but she insist on a second walk, which doesn't sit well with me, since I HATE heat. Inevitable if you live here in Dallas, TX!
So I just completed my JTerm assignment. Since I didn't DO a JTerm project this past January because of my multiple hospital stays, I opted to write a paper for the requirement. My title? The Theology of Pain and Suffering. It was actually pretty interesting once I started doing some research and reading a few sources one of my professors had given me. I actually learned a lot while doing it and somewhat feel like I MAY be OK during CPE. We'll see I guess. That adventure starts on Monday!
Still missing my boyfriend, Gary terribly. It sucks that neither he or I can travel to see each other right now. Skype has become a necessity for us. I dunno which is worse...seeing him everyday on Skype, which seems to make me miss him more or not seeing him at all! I suppose it's just an adjustment, but one I DON'T have to like right now. As my dear single friend told me yesterday, "At least you HAVE a boyfriend"! I am thankful for that! He continues to make me smile everyday and that is priceless to me right now!
I have 2 preaching "gigs" coming up. Both at my home church. My Pastor has decided to take a day off of preaching on June 13th and the day off on July 4th. So I guess the REAL test begins to see how well I can prepare a sermon. I don't know which is worse, preaching in front of my peers at school for a grade or my home congregation (which probably has a little higher expectation of me now that I'm in seminary). It's a toss up challenge. One I knew I would have, but nervous about it just the same. Lots of drama going on at my church regarding a Praise Band that I helped to start. They are having to make some changes and adjustments. I'm just glad I am here this summer to help, as I do feel like I owe my church at least that for all the support they give me.
Haven't been able to get in the pool for a few days. The Pool guy has gotta come out and fix the "sucker cleaner thingy"....ya u know what I mean! Last time I tried to get in there, I was attacked by bugs, so I'm gonna wait! NEED POOL to relieve SUMMER HEAT!!!!
So I have one final paper to redo from Spring semester before the end of this month. I want to start on it this week and just get it done, as I fear CPE is gonna drain a lot out of me. My dear friend from seminary, Kate, said, when I asked her how her first day of CPE went, "It's kinda like sucking on the end of a fire hose that's turned on full blast!" NOT exactly the encouraging words I would have liked to have for this week, but I am anxious and ready to start. I also gotta start learning the Hebrew Alphabet. I have to have it learned by the time I start school this Fall. My mother is starting to help me with that tomorrow.
I've been so enjoying spending time with my precious God Daughter Chloe. She is almost 2 and is at such a FUN stage! It's soooo cool having someone to play with! I mean, it's nice to play WITH her! (Yeah right! Anyone who KNOWS me at all knows I meant the later!) She continues to amaze me everyday, but it also makes me so sad seeing how much I have missed this past year. Julie has done such an amazing job with her. I sat next to Julie yesterday and using her stethoscope, I listened to her new baby moving around in her belly. It was so cool! It made me a little jealous and I teared up thinking that I will probably never have that experience. Years ago, that would have made me very sad; and if you catch me on a "bad" day sometimes it still does. Bottom line, by the time I start my new career in a few more years, "my birthing" years are going to be well behind me. Not to mention the need for ONE more knee surgery...eventually. Children, of my own, are just not in the cards for me and I came to that conclusion some time ago. Besides, since dating Gary, something tells me, children will continue to be in my life for a while and I don't mind that at all.
Well....I have a children's sermon to write for tomorrow and need to fix me some dinner. Peace and blessings to all reading.

Back in Texas for the summer....bring on the HEAT!!

Man, oh man...I can't believe it, but I actually had forgotten how HOT it gets here during the summer! All I can say is that I AM VERY happy that where I am staying this summer has a nice big pool in the backyard...so THANKS MARGARET!

Yes, Finally back here in Texas. As soon as I got here, wanted to spend time with my God Daughter, Chloe and my best friend Julie. I played with her for almost 2 days straight. It's amazing how much energy a toddler can just WIPE right out of you! I was literally exhausted from playing...and that's hard for me to even type! I dunno how Julie does that everyday! But God love her for being a Full time MOM PLUS pregnant??!! I dunno that I would possess the energy let alone the patience to do it!

So I'm all settled in at Marg's house for the summer in N. Dallas area. I have a nice King sized bed for the summer and nice accommodations, and NOW lots of free time. I sincerely regret that I didn't rethink things and stay up in Illinois with Gary a little longer. I honestly thought we would get tired of each other after spending a week together and I'd be WANTING to leave, but It was really hard to leave him, knowing that wouldn't see him again for at least 2 months! I've gotten so spoiled and used to seeing him every 2 weeks when I was in school that NOW (especially after spending a week together) I am realizing how much I truly miss him. Yeah, I know it's sickening but even writing about him now makes me smile. It has been a long time since I have been this happy in a relationship and I consider myself VERY lucky to have him in my life. He has become more than just my boyfriend, but someone I trust, depend on, my friend and someone I cherish and care for very deeply. Someone I want to keep in my life for a LONG time.

So this past Sunday was my first Sunday back at my home church. It is sad for me to be gone for a while and return to see people getting older, people who have left the church, but also see the changes the church has made. It's tough for me to feel like an outsider now in my own church family, but that's what it feels like. My Pastor has already asked me when I wanted to preach...I told him just to give me a week's notice and I can be ready. I think he's ready for a vacation already! I'll be playing as much as I can in my church Praise Band, but they won't be playing most of the summer, which is a bummer for me. But I realize they have been busy all year long while I've been away at school and need a break too! We have a concert coming up the end of June. I don't know what role I will play yet in that concert, but for now, I am just attending a few rehearsals just for fun.

Found out I passed my BIG systematics class! My final paper was 50% of my grade. I was nervous about it. I spent a lot of time on it and had several people read it. So I guess the paper was OK since I passed the class! I wish I could have another semester of Systematics. While it was very challenging, it also helped me form my theological foundation of my future ministry. I loved it!

So CPE starts on June 7th. I have been blowing time here at the Richardson Library, trying to write one more paper! Since I didn't do J-Term, I have a paper to write that is due the day I start CPE. I've started it and have an outline, so I have a start on it. Need to do some more reading to complete it. It is a paper on the Theology of Pain and Suffering. Should be a good one! Well....I am off to Julie's to play with Chloe for a bit. Peace and God's grace be with all who are reading.

The last week of school...my first year DONE??

WOW....even as I type the words, its almost frightening to me but exciting all at the same time. This semester has been one of spiritual growth, renewal of my faith and love of God and some personal changes in my life too. ALL of which I am SO happy about that I'd probably make those reading sick to hear about it all...but hey, it is MY blog, so here it goes.

So - I know on my last post, almost a month ago now, things were becoming interesting with my new "friend". First, he did give me permission to say his name. His name is Gary. And he is officially my boyfriend. It is so nice having one again. It has been a long time since I've had someone actually care about me and my quirkiness (which many people who know me at all will tell you can be a lot)...but we do enjoy spending time together. Last Saturday, we went and flew a kite together. It was just one of those Kodak moments that I hope to remember....well, I will since I video taped him trying to keep the kite up on a pretty windy day! I enjoy just sitting and talking to him or just walking hand in hand. He makes me smile, he values my thoughts and makes me feel pretty important. All qualities that are great in a boyfriend. I met his family last weekend for the first time (his Mom and Sister and nieces); with the condition that he would come to church with me. His family is so loving and wonderful, it was obvious to me that the apple didn't fall far from the tree. We actually went back up to see them again today for Mother's Day. His church experience with me was nice too. I think he enjoyed it. I just thought it was nice that he shared something with me that was deeply personal. I know it meant more to me than him, but it's OK. We, Gary and I are just hoping to work something out about seeing each other this summer....as Dallas is a long ways from where he lives. I have to believe that if he and I are meant to be together it will all work out. Now that I have a boyfriend, I am also contemplating about whether or not I should put restrictions on where I want to go for my internship in 2 years. I kinda have to make a decision about that before the end of this summer, as my paperwork is due this Fall when I return to school. I don't know about that yet, but what I do know is that the more time spend with him, the more I want to be around him and I know he feels the same. His kids I haven't met yet, but hope to soon. I look forward to doing that as I know it is something very important to him. 4 kids are a blessing, not an obstacle, so I will approach it that way when the time comes. For now, I continue to pray for him and his kids as they all are having challenges with his divorce...as divorces always seem to lend itself to that!

My Pastor finally made it here last week for another visit. It was a quick visit, but a visit none the less! I seemed to recall his last visit, me still being homesick, so this one was quite different. It is so nice to have deep theological conversations with someone who gets it? And unless you are someone in the field, that is kinda hard to explain. I am starting to look forward to starting my CPE and putting some of this theological/pastoral care stuff to use! I know it will be easier said than done, but I am COUNTING that when the time comes, I will be filled with the Holy Spirit and will possess the right words to say to help someone in need. That and I'll be carrying my Pastoral Care book EVERYWHERE with me! I will be staying with Margaret, a member of my home church this summer. I'm looking forward to that too, as she has a nice big pool in her backyard. SOMETHING I PLAN TO USE probably everyday! Margaret is such a blessing to open her home to me. I am still feeling a little guilty about not staying with Julie and Darrell this summer but I know I will probably see them everyday...as I LOVE spending time with my God Daughter. I can't wait to see everyone at my home church. It will be nice to worship at my home church again....even if it is for just a few months. My name is officially on my home Synod's website for Pulpit Supply this summer. It was nice seeing my name listed as a "real" seminarian preacher....weird even typing that!

Family drama. Enough said. My siblings and I had to have a conference call to address some issues for my mother and grandmother. My grandmother is just getting older and older and my brother and sister Tamara believes, she truly may not be around by the end of the year. This deeply saddens me, so I am trying to see if I can make some time to get home to NC soon, as I KNOW I will regret it if don't.

So, as this last week of classes begins, I am amazed and in aw at how far I have come within one year. This time last year I was preparing for a big move with much sadness and anxiety. NOW as I end my first year...my emotions are a little the same. Sadness in leaving my boyfriend all summer and my seminary family of friends and a little anxiety (not a lot) about starting CPE. I'll be doing my best to post updates this summer during my CPE...not making any promises.
So I'll close for now and will probably type again from home in Dallas, TX. Peace and blessings to all reading.

4 weeks and a few days= 1st year of seminary DONE!

As I typed those words in the title block, I have to admit my heart fluttered a bit! Just can't believe it! A lot has happened since this time last year when I was still in Dallas preparing for my move to Iowa!

I survived summer Greek, Greek classes (well just finishing up my final one this semester), and I can't believe I am going to say this, but I REALLY do love Greek now. The more you study it the more I grow to respect the language of our ancient religious fathers whose words seem to echo in my head as I translate and try to figure out what the heck they actually meant! It's quite fascinating...I guess u have to really study it to appreciate it, so I won't bore you with anymore of that!

SO, the awesome news, I met the new "love-interest" last weekend...(OK, so I really don't know what to call him yet!)..but someone I hope...will be, dare I say it..."a boyfriend"?? We'll see. Lots of things still in the air, but what I do finally know, is that he and I are on the same page about a lot of things and EVERY time talk to him or think of him, it makes me GRIN from ear to ear. So I'd say that is a VERY good thing! I wished he lived a little closer so we can see each other more, but perhaps him being a few hours away is a good thing, since I need to stay focused on my studies. We plan on seeing each other every 2 weeks, which for now is awesome! (He's even planning on coming to Dallas this summer to see me!)
Our first meeting last weekend was wonderful and a little romantic at certain parts. He looked much better in person; he said the same about me! We talk to each other everyday and text each other a lot during the day and he has so quickly seemed to fill a void in my life that I thought would never be filled ever again; which makes me a little nervous, but excited at the same time. I'm trying to take things very slowly and see how things go. That's just tough to do when u are really excited about it! Its also a little awkward for me seeing someone while in seminary, as there are certain rules and things I have to think about that never existed before, but as I said, just taking things slow. But there was a little kiss last weekend, that had me on cloud 9 all week long!

So down to the wire with school. I have 6 more papers to go to be done for the whole semester. This semester to me has flown by. I wish I could take another Systematics class. I know most of my classmates do not feel the same, but I've loved it! Should be registering soon for next year. I'll be taking Ethics, Lutheran Confessions and the BIG one I'm not looking forward to is Hebrew! Hopefully this time next year, I will be able to say the same about Hebrew as I have about Greek, but we'll see. I do plan on staying in the dorms on the 3rd floor next year. It's nice not having anyone above me. I'll be moving into a little bigger room, which I am excited about. My brother has offered to build me a loft and I already have a love seat and chair for my room next year, which I am very excited about. Having a sitting area in my room! YEAH! It's be much nicer when people came over to watch movies or hang out. So I'm looking forward to it!

My best friend Julie is expecting her second child. I still can't believe it even as I type it! I regret that I haven't been able to be around with this pregnancy, as I recall her first one being rough! But she and her family are moving this summer so as it turns out I won't be staying with her this summer. I'm staying with another member of my home congregation, whom I love, Margaret. I think it will be a lot less stressful for me, as I'm just not sure how emotionally stable I will be this summer with CPE. As most people who have gone through it say, prepare yourself for every emotional wall to be broken down but at the same time to be made into a stronger emotionally stable person. So in that light, I just didn't want to put myself in any situation that would not be conducive to being calm most of the time! As much as I love my God daughter, I also know she is almost 2 now and can be very tough to handle at times! You add that with a pregnancy and a move and you could have your hands on a stressful situation! Thus, staying at Margaret's. I am still unsure if this is the right decision, but we'll see. It's not like I will be that far from Julie's house. But I have to admit also, that a part of me wishes I would be doing my CPE in North Carolina to be near my family. Perhaps I can get placed over there for my internship? We'll see. Lots to do before then.

So Easter weekend was wonderful, beautiful and memorable. I hope it was for all reading. Peace of God and our Lord and Risen Savior be with you and love to all. I'll write again before the end of the term I'm sure!

FINALLY Spring time is here in Iowa...

Greetings all! Sorry its been a while. I have managed to stay ahead in all my classes....thus a lot less posting on here! LOL. Classes are continuing to be challenging, but I love it. Systematics, is for sure my favorite of all my classes this semester; coincidently, also has the MOST to read this semester! My final paper, 10 pages long is going to be on how Jesus' humanity and divinity are seen in he Gospels today and how Jesus is the New Adam and how Jesus is seen in creation. That's not the actual title of my paper, but that is what I am writing about...in a nut shell. It's a lot, so I figured I SHOULD be able to write 10 pages on all that!

Newest news...I've been talking for about the last month to a man I met online. (Yeah, I know, like where do I have the time or money for that!...what can I say, I was REALLY lonely one weekend and decided to give it one more shot!) I met a wonderful man that I have been chatting with online and speaking to on the phone since then. I'd tell you his name, except he may not want me too. He is very sincere, honest and a God fearing man. He just moved to Illinois, a few hours from me this past weekend. His mother lives here in Dubuque, so I will hopefully start seeing him alot. We hope to be able to meet this weekend for the first time, so cross your fingers. I sense a lot of "goodness and integrity" about him, so I hope I am right about this one. Hopefully will share more about him later.

This past weekend, March 27th, was my baby sister's, Myra's, wedding to Anthony Steech (Tony). My whole family was there, minus my sister-in-law, who had to stay at home with her very sick, prized horse, Dover (who is much better now) and my grandmother, who is simply just too old to travel (according to my mom). In times past, I have always stressed about spending time with family; as I did about this trip. I was preparing myself to be disappointed, but I am learning, that we (my siblings and I...even my mom), as we've grown older, more mature, we have learned to appreciate each other MUCH better. We laughed, we laughed till we cried, we enjoyed each other's company and managed to make it through the whole weekend, with minimal fighting or fuss. I was quite impressed. I even got to spend more time with my sister Tamara's partner, Teresa, whom I have decided has significantly made my sister Tamara a MUCH more pleasant person! It's amazing what the love of another person can do to someone. Myra overall was very calm all weekend...only yelling at us, I think twice, which was to be expected, but she did apologize! I had some time to I spent talking to, playing and dancing with my neice & nephew, Amry & Aidyn. (That just made me sad thinking how little they really know me!) The ceremony was beautiful and Myra was truly glowing the whole day. I have attached pics for ya'll to see, if you'd like. Leaving Arizona from my family really made me sad; as I really wanted to stay and spend more time together. I hope to be able to do that at the end of the semester, but we'll see. Who knows, maybe I'll be there for internship. We'll see!

Holy week has began and this year has a much deeper meaning for me. I suppose studying about the meaning behind everything we say and do in church, really impacts my own personal worship experience. I value it more and more each day. I feel more contemplative, more meditative, closer to God in a way that is making me truly realize the awesomeness of my Call to ministry. The awesome responsibility of helping others become closer to God is really starting to hit me....and its a little scary; no, A LOT scary...but in a good way. This week, as I attend services Wednesday-Sunday, I will take time to remember all the pain and suffering Jesus' endured for me. I am eternally grateful and hope those reading are too!
May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding be with you this Holy Week and always. Open the eyes of your heart and allow Jesus to sink into your soul this Easter! God bless all reading!

Reading Days....very productive

Well...I have to say, I think I'm getting "a hang" of this school/seminary studying stuff. While I am STILL not a fast reader, I am getting quicker at scanning chapters of books, making notes of what I think the chapter is about and moving on....makes for a lot less stress in trying to read a book from cover to cover! So we've not had classes yesterday or today. I managed to stay 3 weeks ahead in translating my Greek in my Pauline Letters class and am trying to complete a paper that's not even due for 2 weeks! Yup....I am proud of myself for not goofing off and staying a head this semester. It was a HUGE problem for me last semester and I have learned that staying ahead, gives me luxury of being able to relax on the weekends and NOT be so stressed about what is due next week. We'll just see if all the staying ahead continues as we move into the next part of this semester.

I posted on my Facebook some time ago that I think I am on the verge of a "huge spiritual shift". I think, largely in part because I am staying very focused on "what" I am studying this semester! I think last semester, I spent most of my time worrying about things and adjusting, that just had a tough time doing much spiritual growth. This semester, I am just enjoying my classes so much that its hard NOT to talk about it all the time; let alone not thinking about theological issues ALL day long. I guess that's a good thing, but sometimes burdensome.

I am singing more this semester which has been a nice stress release for me. I think I mentioned that in an earlier post. It's just nice to sing with a group of people who have no expectations of me, no pressure to be a leader of the group...just to sing because I love to sing has been so refreshing and soul rejuvenating for me. I am truly Thankful to God for opening my eyes to doing that this semester.

Most of my classmates seem to be very stressed this semester. I proposed to my class that we have a put together a "Transition Team" for new seminarians next school year for the new incoming Juniors who will be going through everything I went through this year. It was "kind of" taken as a good idea, so we'll see how all that goes. I'll either be too wiped at the beginning of the year from CPE or just not want to come back to the North for school....just kidding. That won't happen!

So I have been dabbling "again" with online dating, Such a process! Why can't there just be some "normal guy" that lives near by that HAS a job and TRANSPORTATION with some decency, some morals and values and some HINT of religion as a foundation of their life to just "magically" appear?! I have decided a long time ago that the reason I am still single is that God is molding "this man" that he created to be my soul mate and the reason I haven't met him yet, is because "he isn't ready yet!". And when he is, God will make him appear to me. I had just hoped it would be on one of the "dating" websites I have been on....but no luck yet. I dunno. My sister is remarrying for the 2nd time, she met her guy on a site, then there's my buddy & former boss, Argelia, getting married the same day as my sister (which I am still bummed about) also met on a website. Soooo....I keep holding on to the fact that "it does happen"! Maybe the next guy will be "the one". But I'm constantly being reminded that perhaps my timing is just not quite right...cause I just keep meeting some weird ones! I'll keep trying. I guess there is no harm in that. There are just some days when having a significant other would be nice. I do miss being in a relationship and having that special someone to share with. As I sent out my Valentine's cards this year, I reminded those I sent them to, to not take advantage of what they have; To appreciate each other, because, these days god relationships are hard to find.

Anyways, enough of that soapbox. I am off to the library to read some more History and start writing my next paper. Until next time, Blessings and Peace!

A new day of learning, life, reading and PAPERS!

As I sit here in the library computer lab, hearing other people pecking away as they are writing papers, using Bibleworks, surfing the net, I am reminded, that I SHOULD be writing my paper right now....but I do have this evening to get it done! Short 2 page paper for History.
My dear friends' Mom (Bethy Bugs) Joyce, has been recently diagnosed with stage 4 Breast Cancer. Joyce has been writing a blog speaking about her journey and writing poetry about her feelings. It just made me tear up reading her last one. I was so moved that I thought I'd share it here:

MOCKINGBIRD’S LAMENT

In twilight of the dawn
as sun begins to peak across
horizon’s early span
I take a quiet walk…

I settle on a bench beneath a Maple;
a tree that seems older -
much older than my great granny.
At least its bark has far more wrinkles
and blotchy brown age spots
than she before her day of passing.

I sit in deepest thought beneath this old tree…
And soon discover it is a shared place,
for just above my head
a Mockingbird bewails in cicada clicks
sensing staidness of my mood,
his wings spread in a rummy two-step motion
as he sings, not in simulation
of my silent tears,
but in mockery to shadows of despair
lurking far too near.

Aloft on his sturdy perch
he bolts into the air,
again with outstretched wings
in courtship demonstration
as he shares in solitude’s desire,
yet knows there’s need for fellowship
in time of sheltered fear.

He knows no tune for cancer
so no death lament is mimicked in his loud
and rapid song,
but kinship of the atmosphere…
trepidation,
with feathered trills of hope.

Powerful isn't it?? Makes me sit here and think, what words would I possess if I were to find myself in her same predicament. I can't say that mine would be so eloquent, so poised or strong as that! Perhaps it is the season of Lent or all the things I have been discussing in classes, that leads me to wonder how can bad things happen to good people? I know it sounds clique, but the truth is, it does happen. I, as a future Pastor, will have to one day look in the eyes of someone who may be near death and give them the comfort. I hope that when that day comes, I will possess the same poise and strength that my friend Joyce does up above!

Now don't misunderstand me, I KNOW that God walks with us everyday and loves us through and through, but is it really enough? My paper I am writing today is about a Cistern Monk named Bernard Clairvaux and his beliefs on loving God. He points out that there is argueably 4 degrees of love and that we should embrace them all. It is God's desire to be in close relationship with us, but I have to admit, that there are some day when I don't feel worthy, and some days when I may not possess the strength to go to God. But in the end, all I want is to walk with my God everyday. To feel God's prescience in my life and be filled with his love and grace. That's All Folks! Have a blessed afternoon/evening, etc!

Happy Transfiguration Sunday...??

LOL....most people probably don't even know what the heck that means! But if you're a church person, then u might! I always call this Sunday "Jesus' Sequin Sunday"! LOL....if you know the story of the transfiguration then you may know why...if not, I'll leave ya hanging. But you can read about it in Luke 9:28-36.

So this week is the beginning of the Lenten season. It's always a time for me to give up something for my Lenten journey, but for the last few years I have instead done some sort of community project. This year, I think I am going to help at a local soup kitchen once a week. I may still give up something just out of habit. Lent for me has always been a time for a renewal of my personal relationship with God. A time to rededicate my commitment to God. A time to meditate and ponder why I believe what I believe. This poses a challenge this year, as this is ALSO the concentration of one of my classes this semester.

I decided this semester to start getting more musically involved in the local church I attend, St. Peter's and also here at the seminary. I am also looking into singing in a local community choir as well. I had decided that last semester, I really wanted to focus on "my call"' and concentrate on my classes. I soon found out how much music ministry had impacted my life. I felt such a void in not singing and how it impacted my personal relationship to God. It became extremely difficult for me to sit in a congregation to "hear" a choir singing without me. I played my guitar a few times last semester, but it just didn't seem to be enough. Then after listening to Ben Larson's story, I then and there decided I could ignore the gifts God gave me anymore. As I shared with some fellow colleagues this week, I just can't imagine getting to the gates of heaven and saying to God, "Sorry, I know you gave me the gift of song and music in my life. I just decided not to use it!" So....music is now back in my life and I am sooo glad!

Today is also Valentine's Day. I can recall several years ago taking me and dog, Sam, camping during the Valentine's weekend. I had gotten just all caught up and depressed about spending another Valentine's Day ALONE, SINGLE, yada, yada, yada. Then I came to a realization. That this holiday is nothing more than a card, candy and flowers opportunity day to make lots of money. People SHOULD be sharing and celebrating their love relationships everyday! Most people don't even appreciate the love they have in their lives. And its not just about a significant other. It's about celebrating friends, children, co-workers, our military personnel, the leaders of our cities, states and nations. (OK, the last one may be pushing it!) But it is a day to make sure you are saying I LOVE YOU to someone! Personally, I always take a few minutes to tell God how much I love him and thank him for everything he provides and gives us everyday. I am very blessed! Make sure you take the time to say I LOVE YOU to someone today. I think it'd bring a smile to someone's face and make someone feel special. And doing good deeds for others....isn't that what life is all about? Peace and many blessing! Happy Valentines!

And then the Spring semester came....

This has been the LONGEST week ever! My first week back at school. I wish I can say that all my classes are SUPER easy and I'm gonna ace them all this semester but that would be a BIIIIGGGG lie; which is kinda something I try NOT to do, being that my future job as a Pastor frowns on that! all kidding aside, its just been an emotional roller coaster this week!
With the return of all students, it was a time of sadness when we all gathered for a convocation on being a "healing community" as we prepare for the return of Ben's wife Renee and his cousin, Jon. I can't even begin to imagine what they have been going through, but its been tough dealing with a whirlwind of emotions from all the students here. We will finally have the memorial service for all students this Tuesday the 9th, as Renee and Jon return to school. ANOTHER emotional day. I personally hope that our community is what they need to move forward from this tragedy.

So onto another subject.....
I think this semester's classes, while always challenging are going to be realy fun for me. I have noticed, within myself, a great sense of spiritual growth happening. I find myself thinking at a deeper spiritual level and asking a great many more questions than I did before about my personal faith and trying to grasp for answers to ALL my questions...which is sometimes NOT possible. I also have another class with LOTS of GREEK. I SERIOUSLY thought I was done with all my Greek last semester.....NOPE! So lots of translating. Good news is....I AM getting a little quicker at it and am able to pick up on a lot of it just by reading it more. So I guess if I had to look at the positive...that would be it! Another class I am taking this semester is Loss and Grief. I know....sounds depressing, right? Actually, it is quite interesting. Analyzing why people mourn the way they do and grasping why I FEEL the way I do at funerals. It's been especially nice that a few of my fellow students are getting together to study together this semester. Something we NEVER did last semester, which I think is a big help for me. Just yesterday, some of us got together to start translating the Greek in Philippians. So it was nice working as a team on it...at least for me.
All the Loss and Grief stuff will DEFINITELY prepare me for my CPE this summer. Speaking of which....I had hoped to be in Baltimore, MD this summer, but John Hopkins Hospital is dragging their feet on doing interviews, so I have accepted the offer to do my CPE at Children's Medical Center in Dallas, TX. I'll be staying, this time a little longer, with Julie and Darrell again. I have to admit that I am nervous for 2 reasons. One, CPE is going to be very emotional for me and secondly, I am still debating whether I want to risk my best friends' friendship by staying at her house again. It was already quite stressful this past month, but I THINK that was because of everything I was going through. This summer will be quite different in that I will be working most of the day with most my weekends off, unless I'm on call. So I am anticipating it being a little easier. Don't misunderstand me....I OWE A LOT to my best friend Julie who helped me, put up with me and took care of me during and after all my hospital stays. It just became stressful after a while; thus the reason for my concerns. But I have faith that she and I will survive. Besides, I figure, it can't be any worse than all that crap was! I won't enjoy the HEAT of Texas, but right now, since it's 27 degrees here in Iowa and starting to snow again....that HEAT is sounding awesome right now!

Had some followup appointments with an infectious disease Dr here in Dubuque this past week. Looks like everything is going ok. I will finally have the PICC line out on February 15th, as long as my blood work comes back OK. They took blood this past week and the infection, while not totally gone yet, is still showing to be in my bloodstream...but very slightly. I'm not worried, just concerned because now my OTHER knee is getting easily irritated! Geez....if it's not one thing its another!

So I FINALLY did it! I changed my tags and Driver's license to Iowa. Why? For a few reasons. One, I become more eligible for scholarships as an Iowa residence. I was able to apply for 2 more scholarships just because I claimed Iowa home! Then there's the tags issue. This state doesn't require state inspection, which means I won't have to hassle with trying to get my car inspected with my service engine light that doesn't ever want to go off. (Yeah, I know I need to get it fixed....but I have larger priorities with medical bills right now!) My new Iowa pic is AWFUL! Did you know that they don't let you smile when you take your driver license picture?? It is ridiculous! I look tired and mad and heck on my picture. It is REALLY bad! I don't plan on showing it to anyone; too embarrassing!

So my baby sister's wedding is coming up next month. Gonna be fun and nice to get away from campus for a few days. We'll see. It's not gonna be as big as her first wedding and this time I am actually IN the wedding party. I have to admit, I think I look pretty good in the dress for her wedding. I bought some small heels to wear with the semi-formal dress. My sister Tamara is also in the wedding party....so it's gonna be interesting for sure with my whole family together. It's always an adventure!

So I need to get some studying done and some dip made before I watch the Superbowl tonight. Rooting for the Saints. Hope they win...if not, I'll be watching some cool commercials! Until next time...Peace and God bless!

As if TWO hospital visits were NOT enough....

Yup....apparently, my body enjoys BEING in the hospital! After I was released the 2nd time (after my leg had turned several colors and they put a PIC line in my arm for IV antibiotics), I continued on antibiotics via IV for 10 more days. My Dr. had advised me to then switch to my pills after I finished until my next appointment. It seemed everything was going fine.....I had been out of the hospital for a week....infection did NOT appear to be clearing fast enough (at least not for me!). So on the morning of January 12th, I had an AM appointment. I got up very groggy! I just couldn't seem to stay awake....then the chills and sweating came. Julie checked my temperature a few times. It was slightly elevated but not bad, so I insisted she go on her planned play date for Chloe (my Goddaughter) and I'd have my dear friend Margaret take me to my appt (since she offered and I didn't think I could stay awake long enough to drive....but I suspected something was wrong!) They saw me within a few minutes. I explained my fatigue. They took my temperature and it was 102.9! This is course meant that the infection had NOW gotten in my bloodstream....which is NOT good! So they immediately made arrangements for me to go back to Dallas Regional (which is where I probably got the infection in the first place!). I cried when they told me and then immediately tried to get a hold of Julie...cause I knew I'd need a few things from home for a few more days in the hospital. My Dr. came in and said, "OK...I am concerned that the infection is not going away fast enough since your body is not reacting to pills and only IV, I'd like you back in the hospital for a stronger IV and I'm gonna take you back in to surgery and Debris all that stuff out of there and check the knee components, then restitch your wound". At that point, then I was really upset! ANOTHER SURGERY....UGGGHHHH!
So after 5 more days in the hospital, I also had to speak with an infectious disease doctor about what he suggested I go since the infection had gotten in my bloodstream. My knee looked 200% better after the 2nd surgery....it looked like how it should have looked like after the first surgery! But my knee Dr wanted me to follow whatever regime the infectious Dr suggested just as a percaution. Well this quack, originally made me SOOOOO upset! He was telling me that I would have to stay in a hospital for 4-6 weeks for IV treatment! Once I saw my knee Dr, he assured me that just staying on IV treatment at home for several more weeks would be all I needed; pending that the knee looked good and seemed to be healing within a week.
I CAN'T STAND DALLAS REGIONAL IN MESQUITE! NEVER GO THERE! I am going to be filing a grievance with this hospital this week before I return to school. My friend Margaret didn't believe me when I told her....EVERY nurse for 5 days and Tech and persons drawing blood...I called them the Vampires, I had to ask them to PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS...PLEASE PUT ON GLOVES....except for one nurse! I thanked her profusely for being so diligent! I was afraid to take naps without someone there to make sure they were doing this as I slept before they touch me! I'm not talking occasionally......EVERYTIME someone came in....except for the one nurse. Anyways finally got out on the 18th and spent most of this week trying to get caught up with sleep! The antibiotics and just stress and body trauma had just taken its toll. I have some meds to help me sleep, but I'm not taking it everyday, which just exhaust me further. You add that to my God Daughter also NOT sleeping and that makes for a restless, tired, grouchy, ROSY!
So.....I went back to see my Dr on Friday. He said the stitches should come out this week and I have to stay on IV antibiotics just a little while longer while at school. So I am heading back to Dubuque after I get mt stitches out this Friday!
It's been a long J-Term for me. But I am also grieving the loss of one of my fellow seminary students who passed away in Haiti's earthquakes just a few weeks ago. I can't imagine the loss and hardship that his wife and cousin are feeling having survived this horrific catastrophe. I know my fellow seminarians feel my pain. I was reminded again this morning as my home Pastor, shared his story during his sermon this morning. I began to cry and couldn't seem to stop thinking of how hard it is going to be to go back to school, with such a great loss. But that is the cool thing about seminary....LOTS of people who can pray and heal together as a community, that's what Wartburg is all about!
So back to the grind of classes nest week. It's gonna be another tough semester, but I will make it through somehow. Just have to stop worrying about all the medical bills that will be invading my school mailbox probably within the up coming weeks. FOR THAT.....I'll need lots of prayer too! Peace, Love and Grace to all my followers. Thanks for all your prayers!

Hospital stay YUK....Surgery good...Walking good...Hospital stay AGAIN!!!!

Well greetings everyone and Happy New Year! And I guess a belated Merry Christmas to all! Soooo much to type about here.

After I got home here to Texas, I started preparing for my left knee to be replaced. I wasn't looking forward to it for several obvious reasons, but chiefly, I just HATE being a burden on anyone, especially my best friend Julie and her family, but she did offer, so it ended up that way.

I had my left knee replaced at Dallas Regional Medical in Mesquite.....first, I should say, my surgeon, Dr. Port is AWESOME. I would recommend him to anyone who needs Orthopedic help. But the hospital was AWFUL! I later found out they have quite a reputation of being terrible, but I got to experience it first hand! LUCKY ME! Surgery went well. I had to stay ion the hospital for 3 days. Right after I came out of surgery, they were trying to get me some liquids in me with protein since at this point I had not eaten in 24 hrs. Everything we tried, i threw right back up. All the anesthesia they gave me in surgery was making me quite sick. It took the hospital almost 3 hrs to get something for me. Julie was right there next to me the whole time; trying to feed me, as I was still slightly unconscious. But I do remember getting sick over and over again. Then the next day, I was up and moving doing physical therapy. There was lots of pain and swelling, but I did it with the help of a therapist and a walker. Taking lots of pain meds helped too! My IV began to leak and needed to be fixed. It took the staff almost 2 hrs to come and fix that. I dreaded each time Julie wasn't around. She was awesome in keeping the nurses on their toes to administer to my needs. My Dr came everyday to check my scar and check my progress. After 3 days of NOT getting any rest in the hospital...because they come in to check on you every 4 hrs, I was READY to go home. Once home, slept almost all afternoon trying to get caught up. Within a week and a week, PT was going very well. I was able to lift my leg on my own and do most of the exercises myself...Julie helped a lot. We spent about 3 hrs a day doing exercises to rehab correctly. Then the wound started looking bad. I suspected an infection.....so we went to Dr. Port's office. He administered a oral antibiotic and some creme to kill it, but 2 days later, my leg was starting to turn colors and had A LOT of excess oozing. It was diagnosed as a staph infection; a topical one. The wound was looking really gross. So on NEW YEARS DAY, we had to go back to the hospital to receive antibiotics via IV. I stayed at a different hospital this time; didn't want to go back to what probably GAVE me the infection in the first place.
So....here I am back at Julie's now. I was released yesterday. Still taking meds via IV. Julie has been helping with that; I have a PICC line in which makes the administration much easier and painless. So today, just been very sleepy. Trying to get caught back up with sleep, but doing much better. It's good to be home away from the hospital.
On a different note...I was suppose to be assisting and observing my Pastor all this month, but due to my infection, I will be writing a paper instead on the Theology of Pain and Suffering; something I think I know a little about now!
Classes resume for Spring semester on February 2nd. Iowa has been getting dumped on with snow. Its been colder than normal here in Texas, but nothing like up there! Anyways, I've got one more paper to finish, so tootles! Peace to everyone reading.