A new day of learning, life, reading and PAPERS!

As I sit here in the library computer lab, hearing other people pecking away as they are writing papers, using Bibleworks, surfing the net, I am reminded, that I SHOULD be writing my paper right now....but I do have this evening to get it done! Short 2 page paper for History.
My dear friends' Mom (Bethy Bugs) Joyce, has been recently diagnosed with stage 4 Breast Cancer. Joyce has been writing a blog speaking about her journey and writing poetry about her feelings. It just made me tear up reading her last one. I was so moved that I thought I'd share it here:

MOCKINGBIRD’S LAMENT

In twilight of the dawn
as sun begins to peak across
horizon’s early span
I take a quiet walk…

I settle on a bench beneath a Maple;
a tree that seems older -
much older than my great granny.
At least its bark has far more wrinkles
and blotchy brown age spots
than she before her day of passing.

I sit in deepest thought beneath this old tree…
And soon discover it is a shared place,
for just above my head
a Mockingbird bewails in cicada clicks
sensing staidness of my mood,
his wings spread in a rummy two-step motion
as he sings, not in simulation
of my silent tears,
but in mockery to shadows of despair
lurking far too near.

Aloft on his sturdy perch
he bolts into the air,
again with outstretched wings
in courtship demonstration
as he shares in solitude’s desire,
yet knows there’s need for fellowship
in time of sheltered fear.

He knows no tune for cancer
so no death lament is mimicked in his loud
and rapid song,
but kinship of the atmosphere…
trepidation,
with feathered trills of hope.

Powerful isn't it?? Makes me sit here and think, what words would I possess if I were to find myself in her same predicament. I can't say that mine would be so eloquent, so poised or strong as that! Perhaps it is the season of Lent or all the things I have been discussing in classes, that leads me to wonder how can bad things happen to good people? I know it sounds clique, but the truth is, it does happen. I, as a future Pastor, will have to one day look in the eyes of someone who may be near death and give them the comfort. I hope that when that day comes, I will possess the same poise and strength that my friend Joyce does up above!

Now don't misunderstand me, I KNOW that God walks with us everyday and loves us through and through, but is it really enough? My paper I am writing today is about a Cistern Monk named Bernard Clairvaux and his beliefs on loving God. He points out that there is argueably 4 degrees of love and that we should embrace them all. It is God's desire to be in close relationship with us, but I have to admit, that there are some day when I don't feel worthy, and some days when I may not possess the strength to go to God. But in the end, all I want is to walk with my God everyday. To feel God's prescience in my life and be filled with his love and grace. That's All Folks! Have a blessed afternoon/evening, etc!

Happy Transfiguration Sunday...??

LOL....most people probably don't even know what the heck that means! But if you're a church person, then u might! I always call this Sunday "Jesus' Sequin Sunday"! LOL....if you know the story of the transfiguration then you may know why...if not, I'll leave ya hanging. But you can read about it in Luke 9:28-36.

So this week is the beginning of the Lenten season. It's always a time for me to give up something for my Lenten journey, but for the last few years I have instead done some sort of community project. This year, I think I am going to help at a local soup kitchen once a week. I may still give up something just out of habit. Lent for me has always been a time for a renewal of my personal relationship with God. A time to rededicate my commitment to God. A time to meditate and ponder why I believe what I believe. This poses a challenge this year, as this is ALSO the concentration of one of my classes this semester.

I decided this semester to start getting more musically involved in the local church I attend, St. Peter's and also here at the seminary. I am also looking into singing in a local community choir as well. I had decided that last semester, I really wanted to focus on "my call"' and concentrate on my classes. I soon found out how much music ministry had impacted my life. I felt such a void in not singing and how it impacted my personal relationship to God. It became extremely difficult for me to sit in a congregation to "hear" a choir singing without me. I played my guitar a few times last semester, but it just didn't seem to be enough. Then after listening to Ben Larson's story, I then and there decided I could ignore the gifts God gave me anymore. As I shared with some fellow colleagues this week, I just can't imagine getting to the gates of heaven and saying to God, "Sorry, I know you gave me the gift of song and music in my life. I just decided not to use it!" So....music is now back in my life and I am sooo glad!

Today is also Valentine's Day. I can recall several years ago taking me and dog, Sam, camping during the Valentine's weekend. I had gotten just all caught up and depressed about spending another Valentine's Day ALONE, SINGLE, yada, yada, yada. Then I came to a realization. That this holiday is nothing more than a card, candy and flowers opportunity day to make lots of money. People SHOULD be sharing and celebrating their love relationships everyday! Most people don't even appreciate the love they have in their lives. And its not just about a significant other. It's about celebrating friends, children, co-workers, our military personnel, the leaders of our cities, states and nations. (OK, the last one may be pushing it!) But it is a day to make sure you are saying I LOVE YOU to someone! Personally, I always take a few minutes to tell God how much I love him and thank him for everything he provides and gives us everyday. I am very blessed! Make sure you take the time to say I LOVE YOU to someone today. I think it'd bring a smile to someone's face and make someone feel special. And doing good deeds for others....isn't that what life is all about? Peace and many blessing! Happy Valentines!

And then the Spring semester came....

This has been the LONGEST week ever! My first week back at school. I wish I can say that all my classes are SUPER easy and I'm gonna ace them all this semester but that would be a BIIIIGGGG lie; which is kinda something I try NOT to do, being that my future job as a Pastor frowns on that! all kidding aside, its just been an emotional roller coaster this week!
With the return of all students, it was a time of sadness when we all gathered for a convocation on being a "healing community" as we prepare for the return of Ben's wife Renee and his cousin, Jon. I can't even begin to imagine what they have been going through, but its been tough dealing with a whirlwind of emotions from all the students here. We will finally have the memorial service for all students this Tuesday the 9th, as Renee and Jon return to school. ANOTHER emotional day. I personally hope that our community is what they need to move forward from this tragedy.

So onto another subject.....
I think this semester's classes, while always challenging are going to be realy fun for me. I have noticed, within myself, a great sense of spiritual growth happening. I find myself thinking at a deeper spiritual level and asking a great many more questions than I did before about my personal faith and trying to grasp for answers to ALL my questions...which is sometimes NOT possible. I also have another class with LOTS of GREEK. I SERIOUSLY thought I was done with all my Greek last semester.....NOPE! So lots of translating. Good news is....I AM getting a little quicker at it and am able to pick up on a lot of it just by reading it more. So I guess if I had to look at the positive...that would be it! Another class I am taking this semester is Loss and Grief. I know....sounds depressing, right? Actually, it is quite interesting. Analyzing why people mourn the way they do and grasping why I FEEL the way I do at funerals. It's been especially nice that a few of my fellow students are getting together to study together this semester. Something we NEVER did last semester, which I think is a big help for me. Just yesterday, some of us got together to start translating the Greek in Philippians. So it was nice working as a team on it...at least for me.
All the Loss and Grief stuff will DEFINITELY prepare me for my CPE this summer. Speaking of which....I had hoped to be in Baltimore, MD this summer, but John Hopkins Hospital is dragging their feet on doing interviews, so I have accepted the offer to do my CPE at Children's Medical Center in Dallas, TX. I'll be staying, this time a little longer, with Julie and Darrell again. I have to admit that I am nervous for 2 reasons. One, CPE is going to be very emotional for me and secondly, I am still debating whether I want to risk my best friends' friendship by staying at her house again. It was already quite stressful this past month, but I THINK that was because of everything I was going through. This summer will be quite different in that I will be working most of the day with most my weekends off, unless I'm on call. So I am anticipating it being a little easier. Don't misunderstand me....I OWE A LOT to my best friend Julie who helped me, put up with me and took care of me during and after all my hospital stays. It just became stressful after a while; thus the reason for my concerns. But I have faith that she and I will survive. Besides, I figure, it can't be any worse than all that crap was! I won't enjoy the HEAT of Texas, but right now, since it's 27 degrees here in Iowa and starting to snow again....that HEAT is sounding awesome right now!

Had some followup appointments with an infectious disease Dr here in Dubuque this past week. Looks like everything is going ok. I will finally have the PICC line out on February 15th, as long as my blood work comes back OK. They took blood this past week and the infection, while not totally gone yet, is still showing to be in my bloodstream...but very slightly. I'm not worried, just concerned because now my OTHER knee is getting easily irritated! Geez....if it's not one thing its another!

So I FINALLY did it! I changed my tags and Driver's license to Iowa. Why? For a few reasons. One, I become more eligible for scholarships as an Iowa residence. I was able to apply for 2 more scholarships just because I claimed Iowa home! Then there's the tags issue. This state doesn't require state inspection, which means I won't have to hassle with trying to get my car inspected with my service engine light that doesn't ever want to go off. (Yeah, I know I need to get it fixed....but I have larger priorities with medical bills right now!) My new Iowa pic is AWFUL! Did you know that they don't let you smile when you take your driver license picture?? It is ridiculous! I look tired and mad and heck on my picture. It is REALLY bad! I don't plan on showing it to anyone; too embarrassing!

So my baby sister's wedding is coming up next month. Gonna be fun and nice to get away from campus for a few days. We'll see. It's not gonna be as big as her first wedding and this time I am actually IN the wedding party. I have to admit, I think I look pretty good in the dress for her wedding. I bought some small heels to wear with the semi-formal dress. My sister Tamara is also in the wedding party....so it's gonna be interesting for sure with my whole family together. It's always an adventure!

So I need to get some studying done and some dip made before I watch the Superbowl tonight. Rooting for the Saints. Hope they win...if not, I'll be watching some cool commercials! Until next time...Peace and God bless!