JTerm2011 Rural Ministry Paper

Hello everyone!
I know its been a long time since my last post. Needless to say, last semester was quite brutal...but I somehow made it through. I went back to Dallas area for Christmas break and worked with my former employer all during break, except on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve, then started my J-Term. NOT much time for rest, but it was still nice to be at least in a warmer climate! I sincerely am saddened that I didn't get a real chance to spend a lot of quality time with some people, but hey...its just the way things are right now!
So this post is really about my JTerm project. I chose to work in Brenham, TX area working in Rural Ministry - something I hadn't done before. So below is my final paper and I will also attach several pics I took. Happy reading!

Rural Ministry in Washington, Burton and Fayette Co. TX
JTerm 2011 Project for R. Rivera

Rural ministry is often defined as a small town church setting where financial issues are prevalent, mission outreach is a foreign subject and churches whose main objective is to “stay open”; thereby making some smaller churches being more about self preservation rather than doing the mission of Christ to spread the Good News of Christ salvation for us all. Having just spent three weeks working in several rural congregations in Washington and Fayette counties in Brenham, TX area, I can say my eyes have been opened to the reality of what we are being trained to do as leaders of the church. Smaller churches are a living heartbeat in these smaller communities who are grasping to hold on to their historical identities. Holding onto a generational loyalty of the core foundations of our Lutheran faith, while being driven, many cases to do whatever to necessary to do just that!
My rural ministry project was to observe and hopefully learn some challenges in rural ministry that are unique or different from a large church setting. There are 2 strong points I learned, #1 – Rural Ministry is first and foremost about people. In my opinion, larger churches tend to get so “caught up” in the “business” side of running the church that they often fall short of forgetting the people they serve and who they should be serving for! Smaller churches have an “edge” on being part of each parishioner’s lives, largely because most parishioners are involved in many facets of the ministry. While this seems to “wear out” members in large congregations, smaller congregations see it as a lifeline- an ordinary part of their lives; often being so dedicated to church simply because “that’s the way it’s always been done”. #2 – Amongst the challenges of most rural ministry is the notion that there is no sense of mission in its congregations. While two of the congregations I worked in do need work in this area (and the these Pastors are committing to work on this), the Shared Lutheran Ministry (SLM) I worked in for one week is thriving and doing well in this area.
The SLM is a combined ministry of 4 ELCA Lutheran churches in Fayette County. In SLM, there are a lot of things each respective community is doing right to foster a great sense of mission and outreach in their communities; some of these things include two major community efforts that I toured this week, one is called “Second Chance”, the other “A.M.E.N.” just to name a few. “A.M.E.N” stands for Area Ministerial Emergency Need. Second Chance is basically a “good will type store” operated by 2-3 paid personnel, but primarily run by volunteers from 12 area churches (including SLM) in the La Grange area. All donations come from the surrounding communities; while the funds received all are used to fund humanitarian efforts in the area. Each of the churches rotate on a volunteer schedule to assist in running the establishment and each church has one representative who sits on a Board in making decisions about how funds are spent. Most of the funds are used to fund the first organization “A.M.E.N”.
“A.M.E.N” started originally as a local Food Pantry. The organization has grown in 10 years to now also function as a means for emergency financial need for people within their communities. Pastor Lee, Director of A.M.E.N., said, “The people who run this city understands the need for this service, so they do everything and anything to help us. It is a blessing for many people in our community”. No church in the area receives money back from any of these programs. It ALL goes back into the community thereby creating a great sense of community outreach and keeping the congregations focused on their “Christian calling”.
I spent some time learning about some of the major issues of rural ministry. I had an opportunity to speak to a C.A.S.A. (Court Appointed Special Advocate) case worker, a social worker, a family practice lawyer and other Pastors in the area. All agreed that some major issues include: 1) generational vs. situational poverty, 2) Lack of education in smaller communities and 3) lack of city/community support and programs for extreme rural community needs.
Several sources described poverty as a major issue. I had never thought severe poverty would be a major issue in smaller communities, but it does exist. Pastor Lee of A.M.E.N said “generational poverty is more prevalent because many people in smaller communities have lived with limited resources from one generation to another; so much so that they simply “do not know any better””. Due to lack of education, many do not know how to cook simple things like pinto beans. He shared in our interview that many times when his staff is leaving for the day, that they check the grounds for food that has been thrown away, because many times they find perishable food thrown in the ditches simply because some of the people they help do not know how to cook them! (This is why his organization now offers basic cooking lessons!) Conversely, situational poverty is quite different. This occurs from some emergency situation that arises in which people do not properly or appropriately plan for; like losing a job. Many people in their communities would rather go hungry than ask for help because of their pride. This is a rising issue and at the heart of what A.M.E.N. seeks to remedy.
The social worker I spoke with said that the primary problem for majority of her clients is lack of education. In smaller communities, there is simply no drive to see a need for education. It is not viewed as something that is important; this concept is often generational. Many of her clients never finish high school and young people are having children at an alarming rate which is causing more court cases for children being abused, abandoned or neglected; (which I also had an opportunity to see in a court setting) many just ends up being put in state or city run homes. This could potentially be avoided if smaller communities would foster an urgent need of care for this demographic. It is my opinion that there should be a shift from this repetitive behavior in order for there to be improvements in these smaller communities. So where does the church play a part in this? The social worker shared that churches could help by offering their facilities to offer parenting classes, after school tutoring programming and resources for poverty stricken families. Some congregations are unwilling to open their churches to a demographic that stereotypically could change the way their church is viewed (a self-preservation mentality issue). However, in some cases, the issue is not that they do not want to help, it is a matter of the church’s’ location in proximity to the major part of its community. They cannot help where they are located! Many of the small churches are in extreme rural locations from its surrounding main city, thus preventing people who need the help to be able to get to their respective locations. Perhaps if some communities would work together for transportation this could be an issue that could be solved.
The final major issue is the lack of city or community support. Smaller communities seem more interested in their own growth rather than assisting and helping the people in their own communities. Some small communities just don’t offer or don’t have the resources to put together support for their own communities. If smaller churches could play an active role in their communities and strive to reach out to the people in their own communities, then perhaps a change could occur. This is difficult because in most cases, smaller churches lack the resources for dramatic change; but with some small steps to get involved in community efforts, perhaps a change can occur.
The churches I worked in, while I found some unique issues that are more prevalent in smaller churches; they do suffer from the similar issues that are found in the larger churches. These issues include but are not limited to a decline in membership, financial issues and lack of stable continuing education for its members. All the churches I visited are trying to do “some kind” of parish educational programming. Some were more successful than others. Rehburg’s church was more advanced in their educational programming than the others, due to more regular attendance, strong parental involvement and a combined confirmation class ministry (grouping with 4-5 other Lutheran churches). I believe their efforts are showing what can happen when educational programming is a priority, in that it was the one of the only churches I spent time in, in which their attendance is growing. In fact, this congregation was recognized in their Synod for having the most significant growth last year! Their successful programming I believe is largely due to the enthusiasm and creative teaching style of their Pastor. This is not to say that the other church’s Pastors are not working as hard, but it does show the significant difference that parental involvement and driven parishioners who understand the importance of continuing education can make in a small congregation’s growth.
At the heart of all the churches I worked in was worship. In all the churches, many committee were not formed, however, music and worship seems to be most active. SLM has a strong worship and music team in place. They work tirelessly in planning worship and selected all the hymns to be used collaboratively, being careful to review which organist would be available and not afraid to step away from traditional music and liturgy to best keep the interest of their respective congregations. While each congregation does try to introduce new music, most seem set on basic standard liturgy, possibly afraid to do too much change at one time! Trying to change something they have done for years and years is a challenge in ANY congregation. All the churches I visited do have a strong music and worship committees in place, some more organized than others. It is my opinion that a church which does not exercise some willingness for occasional changes in their worship experience may lead to a stagnant worship experience for younger congregants who are thirsty for a change which can breathe new life in their worship experience and the congregants.
When I started this project, I had no idea what to expect and I truly had no idea what rural ministry was really about. I suppose I had not thought about where poverty in our communities truly lies. I had not seen how important social and economic issues in these rural towns can play such a huge factor in a small churches existence. As a future leader of the church, I hope to be an advocate for change in rural ministry mentality while also catering to the delicate needs of a smaller church in a small community. There is no doubt that rural ministry is here to stay, there are some loyal dedicated congregants in Texas who will tell you that they will do whatever is necessary to survive. I hope to stand for change in rural ministry that will serve the greater church and further the mission of Christ for many years to come. Thank you to all the churches that assisted me in this project and especially the Pastors and staff for their willingness to share and work with me. I hope this experience was beneficial for each of you as it was for me. Many blessings on your continued ministries!

The end of 2010...

So with Fall semester done and over, here I am once again in Texas! I had to return here primarily for my candidacy retreat to get my final approval for my Internship next year - which of course, I did receive! So on March 9, 2011 (Ash Wednesday), I will find out where I will be going next year and when I will start my internship next year. I am excited and nervous all at the same time, but I do have on more semester to get through before all that starts!

As I mentioned in the last posting, this semester has been rough in more ways than I care to say on here. Mostly emotional stuff....I think I finally realized that CPE stuff really did "a number" on my emotions and opened up a whole lot more than I wanted. I am learning to adjust and cope with some help, so I will survive it all.

Temperature has been the most significant difference here in Texas since I've been home. It's been nice to NOT have to wear 3 layers of clothes everyday (and STILL be cold!). It's also been nice spending time with a few friends. I have also been working during my Christmas break. I contacted my former employer, FSG, and they are paying me to work this week and next...money needed for my J-Term and next semester expenses....although I would much rather be relaxing and taking it easy for a while. But I do get 2- 3 day weekends off because of the holidays, so I guess I can't complain too much! Because I've been working in Ft. Worth, it just didn't make sense for me to commute everyday an hour to work, so I've stayed this week a few days with Roxanne and a few days with Argelia. I'll be back to Plano this weekend with Julie, Darrell and the kids - but I have to be honest- I'm growing quite tired of lugging my stuff all over the place so next week I am staying put!

I'll be doing my J-Term this year with my friend Jill in Brenham, TX (YES, where Blue Bell ice cream is made!). I wrote a proposal to work in Rural Ministry down there. It didn't get approved for me to receive credit for my Rural Ministry requirement, but I am getting J-Term credit = having to read a book, keep a journal and write a final paper. I'll be working in 3 congregations down there looking at various challenges at each church and also meeting with several agencies that work with the churches in their various ministries. So I am pretty excited about all that.

I almost couldn't register for Spring semester due to my financial situation, but luckily, a few friends pulled some funds together and made another semester possible. I try not to worry about where money will come from in school, but its tough when things get tight. I asked a few people for help (who in the past have said, if I ever needed anything to ask, so I did) and I was overwhelmed with the response I got. I suppose I need to trust God more and remember that my calling is ALL about God and not me. So if it is the will of God, all will be provided.

This past weekend, I had a visitor who came to see me here in Dallas. It was my father. We hadn't spoken in person to each other in over 3 years. It was a healthy talk. It was something we should have done years ago, but I hope now to be able to heal more to be the Pastor that God wants me to be. It was possibly the most difficult thing I have ever done, something that I haven't stopped thinking about yet - but its a good thing.

So with Christmas just a few days away, I have been thinking about all I have accomplished this year and all I will accomplish by this time next year. It's just so exciting to finally feel like the next chapter of my life is so full of expectant hope and waiting, much like this season of Advent. To all reading: May the light of the Christ Child shine bright in your hearts this Christmas and always. Peace and blessings to all.

In the home stretch.....

What a blessing Thanksgiving was and not to mention MUCH needed! This semester has been a little rough on me so it was just nice to get away. There is just something about holding and feeding a newborn baby that just tugs at your heart strings so matter how old u get! For me, it was just what the doctor ordered. There was one day when Alexis was laying on a blanket on the floor and I laid next to her just staring at her for at least an hour. Looking at the details of her face, the tiny hairs on her ears and the curvature of her little face. It was like witnessing God's miracle of life just then and there in that moment. (Julie of course caught me and had to take some pictures!) She is a truly a beautiful baby!

I LOVE not limping around when I walk because of my new knee, but MAN what a HASSLE when i have to fly, because I will now ALWAYS set off all their alarms thanks to the metal components in my knee now. Then of course, even though I TELL them it will go off, having to go through all the excessive screening! Especially NOW with all the NEW GROPING the TSA agents do! I almost missed my flight coming back today because DFW wouldn't let me take my small little toiletry bag on the plane. I ended up transferring a whole lot of stuff and leaving my little bag to the terminal with security! I asked Roxanne to see if she could get it for me and she agreed, so perhaps I will see it again.

Julie and Darrell are now in their new home and I love it. It is so much more spacious than their previous home. The kids have a play room. There is a separate area of the house where the cat cannot go and a much roomier guest room - my favorite feature. 3 full baths, so the guest even has their own bathroom- also something I liked and their neighborhood is awesome, with a park just a 5 minute walk from their home, which Chloe loves.

On the bad news side, my grandmother Anna, had multiple mini strokes this week and has been hospitalized. She is 96 years old, and has a long history of heart issues, but it has been a long week for my family. I was feeling a little guilty about not being home, but then I remembered how much time I spent with her when I was home this past Summer and saying my last goodbyes, since it looks like I won't be home again to NC until the end of the school year. Quite frankly, that is how I want to remember her if she were to pass. I sincerely hope she doesn't pass just yet, but I know she has lived a good long life. Monday she will go into a skilled nursing facility for a while. I just hope my mom will get some reprieve now; she's been running herself ragged for a while.

So...6 more ASSIGNMENTS and the semester is over. I can't wait! As I said before, been a long semester and I can't wait to be back in Texas. I actually HAVE to go back for my Candidacy Retreat. I didn't go last year because of my knee surgery, but this year, I will be meeting with the Bishop just to chit chat with him before I go on Internship next year. I'll be finding out where I am going on March 9th- Ash Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it, but a little nervous too of course!

My J-Term project has been approved, so I will be working with Pastor Jill (my former Associate Pastor) and 2 other Pastors for 3 weeks in January in Rural ministry. I'm looking forward to it, but first have to get past this semester!

Many blessings to all reading. Peace, love, happiness and laughter!

I think I see a light at the end of my tunnel.....

Yup. I can't believe it. Celebrated by 40th birthday, celebrated 40 years of being baptized, was in my first photo shoot ever PLUS I hope to be officially endorsed or at least recommended for endorsement by this Friday!

It has been a LOOOONNNGGGG semester, but we are finally in the home stretch! I still can't believe it. I've finally after weeks and weeks of struggling finally getting in the groove of things! Yeah...I've been a bit slow this semester. Not sure why. I think I have spent more time trying to stay organized than I have in getting stuff done! But this semester has proved to be quite another "shift" for me spiritually. I think it's a combination of all the classes. Everything I believe is being constantly challenged and countered by the deepest parts of Lutheran Theology and I love it! Several of my classes seem to overlap each other this semester, which is proving quite helpful in aiding my understanding of certain things...so that's a good thing.

So I am writing my own J-Term proposal for 2011. It will hopefully count as my J-Term requirement and my Rural Ministry requirement, then all I'll have left t do is a cross cultural requirement which I will do my Senior year. Man, that sounds so far off, but will be here before I can blink! My J-Term, if approved, I'd be doing working with Jill, my former Associate Pastor in Brehnham, TX area. They have several rural congregations down there and I hope to be working in 3. I figure this is gonna give me a little head start in my internship. I figure with me being single, no kids, no home....I will probably be in the most rural location they can stick me in! I just feel that coming. I requested Southeast, but we'll see how that flies!

No relationship stuff anywhere on the radar for now. Not for lack of trying, just no takers as of yet. I think I may be trying too hard, so I've decided to just let it be for now. God knows what he's doing and the way my schedule is looking these days, its probably best don't add something or someone else to it! It's been a little tough with me turning 40 and the constant wondering if someone is truly out there for me. It was pretty lonely not having those I love the most not here to share my birthday but I know its all temporary.

Been doing a lot of pulpit supply. I'm booked for the rest of this month and probably in December too. I've been preaching at 2 different congregations. One in Monroe, WI and the other in Waterloo, IA. Both are small congregations who can't afford Pastors, but I guess like the way I preach cause they keep inviting me back! It's been good practice for me too...not to mention the extra cash has been a HUGE help! Especially with more medical issues rising...more on that later.

I'm going back to Dallas for Thanksgiving. Darrell & Julie had already bought me a ticket for Christmas break, but with the change in my J-Term, it made more sense for me to have my car for Christmas break. So I switched my ticket for Thanksgiving (after paying a fee of course!) and now I'll be there when Lexi is born! I think they could REALLY use some help with the new baby coming. I hadn't originally planned on being there, but I could just hear in Julie's voice when I told her I was coming, how relieved she felt. That made me even more sure that it was the right thing to do. I did have to juggle around my school schedule and make some request to several professors. Overall, they are all OK with it, so I'm just trying to stay ahead and get about 4 projects/papers done before I leave. As far as not seeing my family...well, it won't be the first time I hadn't been home for Thanksgiving. Besides, depending when and where my Internship site is, I'm likely to go visit after classes in the Spring. We'll see. Once again it's past my bedtime, but I felt I needed to blog since I hadn't in a while.

Blessings and Peace to all reading....

Then the first day of classes came....

Ahhhh, the weather has been so beautiful here in Iowa! I had honestly forgotten how nice this time of year can be. I'm SURE I won't be saying that in just a few more months.

So I made it through prologue week....viewing movies about the story of David and Bethsheba. We compared the movies and study about biblical interpretation. We even looked at Veggies Tales which was very disturbing to me. I thought this whole time that Veggie Tales was a GOOD thing for religion, but as it turns out, it is, as my friend Abagail said, "biblical smut", THUS making my job a lot harder! It was a interesting week, paper and all.

We had a meeting this past week about the process I will be going through next, INTERNSHIP. God willing, my interview will be late October/early November and I will be endorsed, which means I have been granted permission to go on internship all next school year. Since I'm single, no kids, no home, etc...I pretty much have no say so as to where I will end up. After spending some time at home with my mother I had debated restricting to the East coast to be closer to help her, but decided after the meeting, that would hurt my chances of getting in the best place for me. So I'm leaving it open, making no restrictions. I won't find out where I'm going until Mid-March, so I better start praying now. Besides....I still have a 6 page application to complete before then and LOTS of Hebrew this semester.

My class load this semester isn't too bad, either that or my mind seem to be in a better place. I am enjoying all of it so far, but then again, it IS only the first week! I dunno I can't explain it. Maybe it just all the CPE and KNOWING exactly how I feel about everything, I just feel like I'm in some sort of "sponge" phase and I love it!

Going home was pretty cool. Seeing my family differently was not. I think I just studied too much about family dynamics this summer that I was just looking at my family differently. I WISH I could say that it was all good, but it disturbed me. Spending time with my mother was nice, but she really does need more support from me, emotionally and physically. It made me feel quite helpless. I thought maybe I had over exaggerated most of it until my baby sister went and seemed to have the same observations. All I can do is pray about it for now.

School has started, I have a new part time job as a part time handbell director at a local church, first payday FINALLY this week (I haven't been paid since May...so it's been a LONG summer!), all in all not too bad. I went to Des Moines, IA yesterday for a grant interview with some other students. I think I'll be offered something, so I'm feeling quite optimistic.

I am missing my best friend and her (my) family terribly. She and her family have been busy getting ready for a move and I think moved a bunch of stuff over to their new home today. She was pretty bad before about not texting or calling me, but with all this, has gotten worse. It's been tough, but I am managing OK all things considered.

I am turning 40 next month....yeah, I said it, 40. That has me getting a little down every once in a while. I had just had better plans for my personal life at this point. It's not that I'm lonely I just miss companionship, someone to share things with. I guess for a while my friends provided that when I was at home this past summer, before that, last semester, was my ex....but now with 40 around the corner, I seem to be thinking about it more. I dunno, maybe I need to take a break. Maybe I need to try a new different dating web site. For now, I'll just settle for some prayer and blogging!
May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding be with all you readers. Peace!

Swimming, eating ice cream, writing my endorsement paper...one of those things don't belong!

Ahhhhh.....CPE is now over. I wish I could say that I was relieved. Well, I am sort of. It has been a long exhausting summer, that was a roller coaster of emotion, but I learned so much about myself and I have developed the skills to provide pastoral care. (About the only person who would NOT agree would be my ex-boyfriend!). I truly have a new respect for my denomination for making this a requirement for internship. I can see its value and feel like I am a stronger better person from it. So I have had a few people ask me to share a few stories from this summer so below are 2 of my favorite: Enjoy!

This mother of a 7 month old boy came in with random seizures. The mother has continued to be very emotional and frustrated that her son is not getting better but seems to be worsening. After several test have been run and medication has been administered, the young patient’s seizures seem to be getting longer. The mother was very distraught and saying her prayer has been, “that God take his illness and give it to her”. While I understood her frustration and allowed her to share other concerns, I encouraged her to rather pray for patience and peace in her heart and mind. I further encouraged her to “not pray that she be inflicted with sickness to save her son”. I shared with her and reminded her that she does have other children and a husband that need her too. I was honest in telling her that I was unsure whether her son would get better, but rather assured her that God will be with him through his sickness. I made no promises of his recovery, which was difficult, but truthful. Too often, I have heard parents saying, “Oh, my child, will be OK”! I have deliberately avoided saying this, but rather comfort them in assuring them that God is present and will provide what is needed according to his will. While I do not always verbalize that fact to a patient that is distraught, I do feel I try to convey a message of presence and peace that God can provide when people draw near to him.

My second story is my favorite:

I remember one day doing rounds on B6 and I went to the nurses station to check in and asked the nurse there, who later told me she was a technician, was there anyone I should specifically speak to or should see. Her response was, “No, not that I know of, but if you ask me, the young lady in B6206 needs Jesus and doesn’t know it”. I asked her why she thought that and she said I should review her chart before I entered and I did. I read that this young mother, 17 years old, comes from a highly aggressive mother and has HIV and now her new born son also has it and the father is no where in the picture. Her son had been hospitalized for pneumonia. So I gowned up and walked in as she was rocking her new 3 month old baby boy. I introduced myself as the Chaplain and said “I just wanted to come by to see how you and your son were doing”. Her response, “I don’t need no chaplain”. I said “ok, but I actually came by to speak to your son, may I do that”? She looked at me awkwardly and reluctantly said, “I guess” and turned the boy around so I could see him. I began to speak to the little boy, telling him how I hoped he’d get better soon and that God loved him and that I would pray for him. As I finished I started to walk out, smiling at the mother who now looked shocked. As I opened the door, she said, “Wait. Why did you do that?”. I said, “because he’s someone in pain and that’s what I do. I come by and help people or talk to people in pain”. She said, “sorry about what I said before”. I smiled and said it’s alright”. The next thing I know, this girl is sharing her story. This girl simply needed to be heard and I listened without passing judgment or taking offense to what she had said as I entered. In the end, I felt I may have made a small difference in her life all because I was able to see past her own fears and anxieties to help her with her own.

These are just a few stories. I had lots of them. Some days a lot. Having read these I hope you are able to see how this experience may have been just a little emotional for me. But what this experience did do was help me to put down some walls and barriers that I have held up for a long time. I feel empowered, cleansed and renewed by this experience. One I will remember for the rest of my life. OK....so enough about all that.

I have done 5 funeral this summer, 2 yesterday! I know I am in an aging congregation, but it getting a little depressing. Every time I come home, seeing another member getting sicker and sicker, older and older. I do pray for new growth for my church. I think it would change a lot of things.

So my best friend, Julie is moving finally! They close on their house at the end of this month...God willing. So I've been doing a lot of babysitting this week, so Darrell and Julie can pack! Their house is slowly getting there, but they still have a LONG way to go. I at least had a chance to see their new home in Plano, TX. It's a 4 bedroom one story home. I'll be staying there in December when I come home for their 2nd child's baptism, Alexis. Julie and I just finished a project for both the girls. We made them both a shadow boxes with different themes. They came out so good. Better than I thought it would. Julie and I fuss a lot at each other when we do projects, but the end result is always beautiful!

I wish I could say that I have spent a lot of time with other people, but truly I haven't. My tight schedule with CPE kept me pretty busy at the hospital. So the last few weeks, I would leave a little early just to go by and see Chloe and Julie on my way home. I regret I haven't had more time! There is still some people I really wanted to see, but will probably not.

School is coming up fast...and what am I most excited about? GETTING A KINDLE. Someone bought one for me and I can get about half my textbooks on it, so it seemed like a good purchase to save me LOTS of money on books for school. I have been working on my Hebrew Alphabet little by little. I think I've got most of it down. I think I'm ready to be back in school for Fall. I've missed my colleagues and am ready to have my endorsement interview. Spring semester will be when I find out where I am going - assuming I get approval. My endorsement paper has been going good. I'm up to 8 out of 10 pages, so I know I'll get it done in time.

I leave for NC this Saturday for 5 days. Its the first time in a LONG time that I am really looking forward to being home. It just seems my family has been going through a lot of changes, as a result of my personal changes. I read about this phenomenon in a book I read this summer called Generation to Generation, where I was studying about family dynamics. When someone in a major role in a family shifts, it causes the entire, "homostatis" to shift too. In other words, are my family changes a result of all the changes I have gone through? Who knows....I like to think it is God at work.

Finally, last but not least....yes, single again. I can honestly say, I'm OK with the break up. That's not to say that I am not angry or hurt because I am. I am still going through some emotions about it, but not an overwhelming sadness....seems kinda odd to me that I'm not all weepy about it. I think largely because of how it all happened. Maybe it won't really hit me till I get back to school, but by then, I'll be back in my "school zone"....easy to stay busy. I truly believe I am meant to be with someone....but finding the right one continues to be a challenge for me. Maybe I need take a break, maybe I need to stop looking, maybe, maybe, maybe.....ugghh. All I know is that it sucks to be single at 40, which is coming up soon! I'm truly not THAT worried. I know someone is out there, but God is still working on him...making him just right for me. In the meantime, I'll keep blogging, keep my dear friends and family close and treasure every moment of my life. I laid in Margaret's pool today floating and counting my blessings. I have so many things to be Thankful for. I love myself, my life and my God. Sure someone to share my life with would be a blessing, but maybe I just need to be more patient. God has provided everything else in my life, I need to have a little more faith.

Peace and blessings to all reading... <><

Ah the last week of CPE and then...

I have been through a whirlwind of emotions this summer. I've enjoyed spending time with my friends and my church family, but it has come with a price. Gary and I are over. Can't say that I am surprised, as I have a knack for running men off! Or in this case...he decided to run from me. Not much I can do there. I had sensed his discontent with me after he left here from Texas not knowing why. I had shared some information about my past that he had a problem with and that's his prerogative. (However, to my defense, a person who claimed to have loved me, would accept my past and love who I am now). I now question how he truly cared for me this whole time, as I feel, he has in essence been lying to me since he left, by not being honest about the way he felt.....but I will not sit here and play the "what if" game or bash his name on the internet over something I cannot change. I am better than that. The pure fact: Gary and I are not more. Especially since I know his family reads all that I write...or at least used to. As saddened as it is for me, because I do not say, "I Love You" to just any man, as I am entering a pretty important part of my life right now, I will survive and move on. I have to. I only hope that in our short time together, that he will someday look back at it and smile.
More about my last week of CPE and my visit home to see my family soon to come.

Heartbroken again....